A Poem for Vann

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Just some background about how I got here.

I met a guy (Dave) on April 29, 2006, I started bartending Aug 2006 just after my 22nd birthday. We worked together, and let me tell you, bartending and dating....DO NOT go together. I spent 3 years with Dave. I thought I loved him, we went throught a lot, and at the end of the relationship...I thought it was all a waste of my time. But looking back on it now, I learned so much durring that time. Lessons I can use to move foward in my life. Some mistakes I will NEVER make again. That relationship taught me so much about myself and who I want to be.
   Bartending, I met all kinds of people and  had so many "friends". April 6, 2010, A guy who had been coming in for quite a while who had never really "caught" my eye before, came in and It was a slow night for the bar and we sat and talked and hung out all night. He had come in a few nights prior and asked me to go to baseball games but I was still with Dave and told him I wouldnt be able to go. That night, the 6th, was different,
    I wasnt with Dave. Me and Jim hung out that night, went home together, and hung out all day the next day. He made me laugh, I enjoyed being around him. A feeling I didnt get with Dave. It was the best feeling in the world. I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me.
   He was still married, but not living together. They had a son Austin, who is now 6.  They had another son born December 2009, and passed away from SIDS March 2010. Jim is the strongest person I have ever met. To have gone through this, and to be the happy person he is today is amazing.
   I am truely blessed to have Jim. We have been together since the first night we actually hung out. I went to work, can couldnt wait to get off to see him. We spend all our free time together, and on May 1, 2010, found out I was pregnant with our 1st child.
   Yup, only a month of dating, and we were expecting our first child. Jims divorce was final soon after we found out. JIM SAVED MY LIFE, and getting pregnant was the best thing that could have happened to me. Although, at the time I was lost, and not at all ready for a child. I worked at a bar for 3 yrs at this point (and dating a guy working at a bar) I was not living the best of lives. I had made some not so smart choices in the past and bringing a child into this was not at all what I wanted. 

  But everything happens for a reason, and we were blessed with our first son Kaden Nikolas Haskins 12-19-10. 6lbs 3oz 18inchs.

 I couldnt imagine life with out my family. Now, I work for a trucking company and work 7am-4pm. No more night life, and no more bartending. LIFE IS GREAT!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Vann! Today mommy and daddy would have woken up and opened an envelope with a precious picture of you that said ITS A BOY! on it. But I know that you are in heaven spending Christmas with Jesus on his birthday. I thought of you often the past couple of days and miss you so much. Your brothers got lots of stuff today. (more than they needed) Kaden was so overwhelmed with all the stuff he didnt know what to do with himself. LOL. I got a "V" charm for my charm bracelet. :)
I dont have much today sweet boy. I just wanted to come say MERRY CHRISTMAS! and Mommy and Daddy love you very much. Tell Jesus I said Happy Birthday.
Love,
MOMMY

Life Changes so fast

Hi Vann,
   Today was a good day for me. Although I thought about you often, it was a little easier to get through the work day. I found a wonderful lady to talk to who has been so good to mommy. She is in a different state but has still taken her time to call me and email me. We talked for the first time yesterday evening and it was so good for me. As much as I miss you and know that its not going to be an easy road, I will survive this. Mommy will never forget you and you will always be with me. And Kaden is still a BIG brother and I will tell him about you, and how special you are. He has an angel watching over him forever. He actually has many but 2 very special brothers watching him everyday. Mommy and daddy are giong to get you a christmas present friday. Not sure what it will be yet but it will be something special, maybe something to fit in your little stocking we hung on the wall! Your grandberry gave mommy and very pretty cross necklace today that I will wear forever! Its beautiful and I LOVE IT! Christmas day is coming soon, and we were suppose to open the envelope christmas morning that would have told us we were expecting a baby BOY! Its crazy how fast life changes and how one day you planning for one thing, the next those hopes and dreams are taken away. I know that God has a plan, but boy does the road get rough sometimes. I know you are getting to spend christmas with Jesus this year but oh how I wish you were growing in my belly. I would be getting to feel you kick and move now and have a baby belly by now.  I miss you sweet boy and wish I was pick out nursery decorations and baby clothes. I love you
Love,
Mommy

STUPID days

Today, TODAY is a stupid day. It was suppose to be an exciting day for mommy and daddy. We were suppose to have our ultrasound today to tell us if we were having a boy or a girl. And we were going to have the dr put the picture in and envelope and mommy and daddy were giong to open christmas morning. I also would have been 19 weeks today.
I miss you

Some pictures

Kaden Nikolas Haskins 12-17-11
Its been a year already? WOW where did the time go, it feel like yesterday I was on my to the hospital to deliever. Now all of his "first" holidays are memories and His first birthday just flew by! Its bittersweet, and I am excited to see my baby boy grow and learn! His personality is starting to show more and more and its amazing to see all the things changes. Mommy and daddy love you litte man!!

Saturday...........

Vann,
   Wow what a crazy weekend this was. Mommy misses you and wished you could have been here. Saturday morning was Breakfast with santa. I was gonna wear a "tis the season to be pregnant" shirt for our pictures. :( I hated that I couldnt wear it. I hate that you arent here for the holidays. I didnt get but 3 pictures of santa, 2 with Kaden and 1 with Austin, Not even one of them together. :( I feel bad but at least I got the ones I did. Kadens Birthday party was at 2. Aunt Gigi brought balloons, and the cake (which Kaden hated, he was scared of it, LOL) and the drinks and most of the decorations. (thank goodness) The party was really good, everyone had fun and brother got lots of toys and DIAPERS. YAY mommy needed those!
 I thought about you the whole time, wondering what your birthday party would ahve been like. and what your baby shower would have been like.
We got some good pictures and even got to take some more pictures at daddys cousin billys house (Kaden and Billy have the same birthday :D ). They got some more of Kaden with a different cake, he was scared of that one too, but there are some cute ones.
I love you baby boy I will write you a letter tonight about kadens birthday. Its been 2 weeks since you went to be with Jesus and I miss you terribly.
Love, MOMMY

Kaden, Mommy, Daddy

Just a letter!

Good morning baby,
Mommy is thinking about you a lot today. (like everyday) The past few days have been so busy. We got christmas shopping done!  We got your oldest brother Austin a WII. I really hope he is excited. Austin is your Half brother. He lives at his mommys house and we see him every Thursday and every other weekend. He is an amazing big brother to Kaden and just would have loved you sooo much. We didnt tell him you went to heaven, he has been through a lot and felt we would wait till he was older.....ok anyway,
We got your big brother Kaden a Mater power wheel truck for christmas! He is giong to love it, and dont think it will take him long to catch on to how to get it to go! (watch over him and make sure he dont fall out of it!) :)
Mommy and Daddy got you a little green stocking to hang on the wall! I have to still wrtie your name on it but its super cute. Wish you were here to see it sweet boy. We got you a "V" christmas ornament too! :) I miss you so much baby and so hard to believe you are gone. Everything happened so fast but I am so glad I got to hold you and see you and say good bye.
Tomorrow is Kadens 1st birthday party. We are waking up and doing Breakfast with Santa in the morning and the party is at 2. I am excited to celebrate and Sad at the same time. We are going to get some cute pictures, Your aunt gigi and Lindsey are bringing the monkey cake! and the safari decorations for his pictures! She has a really big giraffe that we will put lots of balloons on and get lots of good pictures!!  Thank God from them. I didnt know what we were gonna do. Mommy tried to go get decorations but just couldnt pick anything out. I will post pictures of it all when i get them! Although you will be watching it all! Cant wait till he opens presents I hope he gets the concept and getst he paper off, :) I am sure he will like the paper more than the stuff! Well I just wanted to tell you how the past few days were. I love you little man! Cant wait to hold you again one day!
Love always,
 Mommy

LONG WEEK

Hello VANN,

Its been a few days since i have been here, I have thought about you everyday, I miss you so much. we finally picked your name and that made me feel so much better. VANN MYLES HASKINS.

 Yesterday (monday) was a week since we said good bye to you and mommy came to work. It was the longest day ever, Ok maybe not the longest but it was pretty long. Today is a little easier for me. But I know that days like that will be hard for me, anniveries, and due date. But taking it a day at a time.  I have been staying busy at work and at home, your grandma is staying with us to watch your brother so the house is NOT quite. But I am thankful to have her there b/c we need to catch up. This is not easy for us, daddy drew your tattoo that we will get some time soon. it was really sweet and I cant wait to get it.

Your brothers birthday party is coming up soon, it will be exactly 2 weeks since you left that will be celebrating your brother coming into our lives! :) Planning his birthday party  (which is saturday) has been really hard for me but I am getting though it thanks to our family and people helping me with getting things together! THANK GOD FOR FAMILY and FRIENDS.

well thats all I have, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU angel

Love, mommy

A song that mommys friend sent

~STILL~ by Gerrit Hoffsink

I've been waiting for you for such a long time
You're always on my mind
And I'm laying awake most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight
Now that I do, and look at you
MY heart is breaking, this can't be true
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again
Close to my soul, close to my heart
Right from the start
Lost in time, lost in space
Can't wait to see your face
Now that I do, and look at you
MY heart is breaking, this can't be true
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again
Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I'm going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I'm coming home to you
And when I do, and look at you
My heart is healing, I know it's true
Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On Earth we never can, but in heaven we'll meet again
In heaven we'll meet again

I miss you

Saturday 12-4-11 the scariest day of my life.....Mommy went to work at 6:30pm I was feeling fine till about 655 when I felt I was having contractions....I called daddy and said I was giong to monitor them, well I got up to go to the bathroom and my water broke :(. I called 911 and I was so scared. I got to the ER (which were horrible people) and we waited for a DR to come in forever. and when he did he was so cold to me. He didnt think I should have called 911, and said it wasnt my water, it was probably urine and I was having a miscarraige and there was nothing they could do but ordered an ultrasound anyway. Mommy had to go into a seperate room all alone and daddy had to go to the waiting room It was awful. We finally got the ultrasound, but they wouldnt let us see anything nor would they talk to us about waht they saw. So again we had to wait....finally a nurse came in about 2am to do a pelvic exam.. Yes it took them from 730pm to 2am to do anything for us. After the pelvic exam they told me that my water broke and I would be sent to labor and delievery and be induced......WHAT! I was not ready to hear that, I was not ready to let go of you. You still had a heart beat that was 181, nice and strong. YOu were still fighting.....I was so Lost and scared. Your Aunt Brooke drove all the way from Austin to be with us, Thank God mommy needed her so much.
Finally about 4am we got  moved to labor and delievery, and got to talk to an OBGYN. Finally somone who knows what is going on an could give me answers! Dr. Kline was amazing, he gave us our options, although there wernt that many. We chose to try as long as you would hold on. I got put on IV antibiotics for 72 hours,, if we made it the 72 hours we would go home on bed rest till 24 wks. then be on hospital bedrest till we delieverd. We checked heartbeat a few times while we were there. The last time I heard your heartbeat was Sunday Night at 7pm. It was 149-150. I was so happy to hear that beautiful sound. Monday morning the DR came in and had nurses check the heartbeat at 7am...couldnt find one...Mommy knew then you were gone. They ordered and ultrasound to confirm. :( My sweet angel you fought as long as you could baby and I miss you so much. Our nurses were wonderful! all of them so sweet and were amazing through this.
We got moved up to labor and delievery and waited for what Dr kline wanted us to do. Mommy and Daddy had to talk about what we wanted. If we wanted to hold you and if we wanted a preacher to come in and bless you. Daddy decied that he couldnt see you. But mommy, nonnie and gigi would hold you and be with you while the preacher came in. We had a lot of visitors, Nonnie, Gigi, grandma, grandpa, Nana, Aunt Brooke and granberry. Mommy stayed as strong as she could and was so ready for this day to be over. It was time....About 11:15 the nurse gave me a shot in my arm to induce labor. We all prayed it would go fast and GOD is amazing, You were born sleeping at 12:17. at only 4oz and 8 1/4 inches.
The nurse took you and bathed you and got you wrapped in a  beautiul blanket and made everything just perfect for us to meet you. Mommy was shaking, I held you I just cried and prayed and told you how much I love you and missed you. YOu were so beautiful, and perfect. This was the hardest thing for mommy to do but I am so glad I did. I will see you again one day, and although I dont know why these things happen I do know God has a plan. The nurse put your foot prints and hand prints on as much as she could for us. :) They were so tiny and perfect. Mommy and Daddy love you sweet boy, we Picked out a your first name yesterday (12-8-11). Vann Haskins. I miss you every day.
Love, MOMMY!
Fly with angels VANN :)

When we told everyone.

10-15-11
This was your daddys dad (big dads) birthday, and his birthday party. Your Aunt Jen and Cousin Lily were also in town from Atlanta to celebrate with us. We had planned on telling your Aunt Jen that weekend she was in town. Your Big Dad, Gigi, Aunt Jen, cousin lily and Brothers Kaden and Austin all went to a safari tour thing close to our house before the birthday dinner. We were in the car with yoru aunt and we decided we would tell her we were expecting! well guess what, she was TOO! we were so excited, and only a month apart! So we decieded to get a card and add the new babies to the card on the bottom that Big dad would open at this party
Finally the moment we waited for, time to open presents! Big Dad opened his card and it took him a few minutes to figure it out but he started crying when he did! It was a great moment everyone and everyone was excited!! :)
well thats all i have to say right now.....
Mommy loves you baby boy and thinks about you all the time!
love,
mommy

Its positive

Letter #1
       Mommy and daddy got a huge shock when we woke up that Friday morning and mommy peed on a stick..well actually 2 of them! haha just had to be sure what I saw the first time! and I saw 2 pink lines on both of them!! Daddy was still asleep and mommy woke up your big brother, Kaden, and brought him into the room and layed him on your daddy and said guess what dad I am gonna be big brother! we were so excited to be expecting a new lilttle joy in our lives. (although hesitant to show it right away) We knew that it was quick after we had your brother but it was ok with us we would have handled anything that came our way.:) We didnt tell anyone we were expecting besides your aunt melissa, aunt brooke, and a few others. We wanted to get a strong point in the pregnancy to let people know. We didnt go see the dr for the first time untill Nov 8, we were 12 weeks along! you had a good strong heart beat, 174  and just the size you were supoose to be! We left the hosptial happy smiling parents! Even though we werent at the dr we wanted to be we were just glad to know you were ok,
I love you sweet angel baby,
<3 mommy and daddy

I concidered diong this while sitting in the hosptial and thought it might help me with dealing with all these emotions. I might not be good at it or it might not all make sense but I am giong to give it my best shot! I will start from the day I found out we were expecting our Second little baby and go from there. I imagine some days will be bad and I wont have much to say and other days will be different. God has a plan and we know that our sweet little boy is flying with angels
Chrissy

RIP SWEET ANGEL MOMMY, DADDY AND BROTHERS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.