A little bit longer

Its been a while since I have been here. Vann your 1 year angelverssary is coming up in 3 days. I have thought about so many ways to remember you. Then I realized, I will never forget you. It doesnt matter what day it is, what time a year it is, mommy is always thinking about you.

It been a crazy year to say the least. Mommy and daddy got married in August. And Im sure you know we lost a baby in septemeber. I hope you are keeping him safe until I get to hold you both.

We are expecting a little baby in July. No one knows yet, because we are want to make sure we get to a safe place in the pregnancy before we get to excited. Daddy thinks its a girl and is very positive everything is going to be fine. Mommy well I just want a healthy baby and can only focus on that right now.

I dont have much else to say today. I will try to be back often to tell you about the baby and how things go. Tomorrow we will be 7weeks. So maybe I will be here Every monday. I miss you son but I know you are with me every day. I love you so much.

Happy Easter Vann

Happy 1st Easter Vann. I know you had a PERFECT day. I love you so much.

<3 Mommy

Four Months

No mother thinks that this will happen to them, but here I am 4 months since you left. Lost, angry and very heartbroken. Seemed like yesterday I was at the Dr.s listening to your precious heartbeat. I remember the last time I heard that sweet sound. How I yearn for that moment back, just to listen to it again. Another holiday is coming and will pass with out you here baby boy. Four months ago your grew your angel wings. You will never know the pain of this world, you are perfect and beautful. I love you Vann, Happy 4 month birthday! :) Hope you got a lot of decorations and celebrating! <3
Love, Mommy

Mommies with Angels

Vann,      
  I have met another mommy like me. A mommy to a very sweet angel baby boy. His name is Tristian. I love him and although I have never met his mommy I love her too. She is wonderful and we can go on and on about anything we desire to talk about that day. She knows, that a good day can make a 180 in the blink of an eye. It can be something that came in the mail, a post on face book, any little reminder of our babies can change our mood. Sometimes for the good. I thank God for her, and I know that our babies are hanging out playing waiting on us to get there. They are probably up there laughing at us. :) We love you boys and hope you have become as close as we have.
Love always,
Mommy

Oh I miss you Son :(

A miracle has happened. A  life has begun

"Are you there, God?" "Yes, I am here, Vann," the Lord whispered.

"Where am I?" "You are in the womb of your mother," God smiled.

"Oh. What is that sound?" Vann asked. "It is the voice of your mother, Vann. She is singing to you."

"Its beautiful." "Yes, she loves you very much," God said.

"I feel warmth on my back," Vann whispered. "Yes, she is rubbing her stomach, caressing you the best she can right now. She is speaking to Me about you. She is asking Me to care for you."

"I will kick her back so she knows I love her too," Vann said excitedly. God smiled.

"Now what is she saying, God?" "Your mother is laughing, Vann."

"She is happy, isn't she God?" "Yes,Vann, she is happy."

"I hear a different sound. What is that" "It is the voice of you dad."

"He sounds strong". Vann said. "Yes," answered God.

"Does he love me too?" "More than his own life," God whispered.

"When do i get to see him, God?" "Not for awhile, my son."

"I'm not feeling so well, God." "I know my son, but soon you will fly."

"I will fly?" "Yes," God smiled.

"Will my mother fly with me?" "Someday," God said.

"I think I am ready," Vann whispered. ""I know, my child."

"Is it time to fly now, God?" "Yes," God said gently and wiped his eyes.

"When will I see you, God?" "Very soon, My son."

--

"Is that my mother and dad?" "Yes, Vann," God said and pulled the child unto his lap.

"Why are they crying?" "They cry for you, My child," God answered as He wrapped His arms around the boy.

"Why do they cry for me?" Vann asked. "Because they want to hold you in their arms."

"But instead You hold me in your arms, huh, God?" "Yes, my son," God said.

"Why does that make them sad? I like it in Your arms!" "They love you very much, my son, It can make a mommy's and daddy's heart sad when they don't get to hold their children - I know how it feels to watch My Child die."

"Have I died, God?" "Just on earth, Vann."

"I don't feel dead. I feel very much alive! Watch how fast I can run!" Vann crawled down from God's lap. "Yes, Vann, you are fast,". God clapped.

"Now watch me fly!" Vann said as he soared high. "You are amazing!" God laughed.

Vann settled back into the safety of God's arms and said, "When will my parents fly, God?" "Someday, my child."

"Will we fly together?" "Yes, Vann My mark is on their foreheads."

"Good."Vann said. Will you tell them I am safe and happy?" "I will comfort them, my dearest child."

"Will they be happy again?" "Yes, child. They will heal."
"And someday we will all get to be with You, huh, God?" "Yes, Vann. Someday," God promised.

"I love you, God," Vann said as he snuggled close to God. "I love you too son," God said as He put His hand on Vann’s head. "Take good care of my parents until they fly!" Vann said.

"I promise," God whispered. 

Been a While

Well where to start...Its been a while since I have been here. There is so much going on lately its hard to stop and see what is actually going on around me. I miss Vann terribly. I think about how far a long I would have been, and at this point, I would have had a "viable" pregnancy. And probably have a very small child in the NICU fighting for life. Its been 3 months and it seems like we just said goodbye. I often wonder how different life would be if he was still here with us. We lit 3 candles and released a balloon on 3-5-12. Mommy and daddy miss you baby and we know we have a very special angel watching over us! <3

Some other things that have been going on. We found out that my daddy has rectal cancer. This is very hard for me to accept. And I am still having trouble coming to terms with how serious it really is. I just think of my dad as my rock and now he is very sick. I am heart broken that something bad could happen to him. I know we have come a long way in treating cancer but its still a very scary thing. He started Chemotherapy on 3-5-12 and he is being released today 3-8-12 to start radiation next week. As of right now they are saying that they will remove his rectum and give me a bag. Yes, there is a big word for it, but not 100% sure how to spell it. LOL. Anyway ON a happier note with my dad. We did have a birthday party for him at my house 2-15-12. His sister, brother, nieces, and me and my sister were all there and had a great time!! :) couldnt have planned it any better! I love you Daddy! Praying for many more years with you. You are a fighter and I know you can make it through this.

I miss you

HI sweet  boy! I miss you so much and have been thinking about you a lot today. There has been so much giong on lately! Mommy and daddy decided to wait a year to try to have a new baby. YAY! you will eventually be a big brother! And I know it will be very hard for me to be excited about the pregnany. I am scared, and never want to go through this again.  But I am very thankful for the 16 weeks I got with you. Kaden will be 2 when we start trying again, so that means he could be almost 3 by the time a new baby is here (God willing). I think that is a good space of time, Kaden will be out of diapers (hopefully)! :)
Anyway, I wanted to just come say hi! I met a new friend, she lives in another state, but its nice to have someome to talk to who knows what I am going through. I miss you so much baby boy.
 I hope the hospital calls me and lets me know your pictures are here soon.
LOVE YOU,
MOMMY!