A Poem for Vann

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say,

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear

I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With the other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me. I
learned my lesson very quickly
and My Mommy set me free."

"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep at night
On her pillow is where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Just some background about how I got here.

I met a guy (Dave) on April 29, 2006, I started bartending Aug 2006 just after my 22nd birthday. We worked together, and let me tell you, bartending and dating....DO NOT go together. I spent 3 years with Dave. I thought I loved him, we went throught a lot, and at the end of the relationship...I thought it was all a waste of my time. But looking back on it now, I learned so much durring that time. Lessons I can use to move foward in my life. Some mistakes I will NEVER make again. That relationship taught me so much about myself and who I want to be.
   Bartending, I met all kinds of people and  had so many "friends". April 6, 2010, A guy who had been coming in for quite a while who had never really "caught" my eye before, came in and It was a slow night for the bar and we sat and talked and hung out all night. He had come in a few nights prior and asked me to go to baseball games but I was still with Dave and told him I wouldnt be able to go. That night, the 6th, was different,
    I wasnt with Dave. Me and Jim hung out that night, went home together, and hung out all day the next day. He made me laugh, I enjoyed being around him. A feeling I didnt get with Dave. It was the best feeling in the world. I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me.
   He was still married, but not living together. They had a son Austin, who is now 6.  They had another son born December 2009, and passed away from SIDS March 2010. Jim is the strongest person I have ever met. To have gone through this, and to be the happy person he is today is amazing.
   I am truely blessed to have Jim. We have been together since the first night we actually hung out. I went to work, can couldnt wait to get off to see him. We spend all our free time together, and on May 1, 2010, found out I was pregnant with our 1st child.
   Yup, only a month of dating, and we were expecting our first child. Jims divorce was final soon after we found out. JIM SAVED MY LIFE, and getting pregnant was the best thing that could have happened to me. Although, at the time I was lost, and not at all ready for a child. I worked at a bar for 3 yrs at this point (and dating a guy working at a bar) I was not living the best of lives. I had made some not so smart choices in the past and bringing a child into this was not at all what I wanted. 

  But everything happens for a reason, and we were blessed with our first son Kaden Nikolas Haskins 12-19-10. 6lbs 3oz 18inchs.

 I couldnt imagine life with out my family. Now, I work for a trucking company and work 7am-4pm. No more night life, and no more bartending. LIFE IS GREAT!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Vann! Today mommy and daddy would have woken up and opened an envelope with a precious picture of you that said ITS A BOY! on it. But I know that you are in heaven spending Christmas with Jesus on his birthday. I thought of you often the past couple of days and miss you so much. Your brothers got lots of stuff today. (more than they needed) Kaden was so overwhelmed with all the stuff he didnt know what to do with himself. LOL. I got a "V" charm for my charm bracelet. :)
I dont have much today sweet boy. I just wanted to come say MERRY CHRISTMAS! and Mommy and Daddy love you very much. Tell Jesus I said Happy Birthday.
Love,
MOMMY

Life Changes so fast

Hi Vann,
   Today was a good day for me. Although I thought about you often, it was a little easier to get through the work day. I found a wonderful lady to talk to who has been so good to mommy. She is in a different state but has still taken her time to call me and email me. We talked for the first time yesterday evening and it was so good for me. As much as I miss you and know that its not going to be an easy road, I will survive this. Mommy will never forget you and you will always be with me. And Kaden is still a BIG brother and I will tell him about you, and how special you are. He has an angel watching over him forever. He actually has many but 2 very special brothers watching him everyday. Mommy and daddy are giong to get you a christmas present friday. Not sure what it will be yet but it will be something special, maybe something to fit in your little stocking we hung on the wall! Your grandberry gave mommy and very pretty cross necklace today that I will wear forever! Its beautiful and I LOVE IT! Christmas day is coming soon, and we were suppose to open the envelope christmas morning that would have told us we were expecting a baby BOY! Its crazy how fast life changes and how one day you planning for one thing, the next those hopes and dreams are taken away. I know that God has a plan, but boy does the road get rough sometimes. I know you are getting to spend christmas with Jesus this year but oh how I wish you were growing in my belly. I would be getting to feel you kick and move now and have a baby belly by now.  I miss you sweet boy and wish I was pick out nursery decorations and baby clothes. I love you
Love,
Mommy

STUPID days

Today, TODAY is a stupid day. It was suppose to be an exciting day for mommy and daddy. We were suppose to have our ultrasound today to tell us if we were having a boy or a girl. And we were going to have the dr put the picture in and envelope and mommy and daddy were giong to open christmas morning. I also would have been 19 weeks today.
I miss you

Some pictures

Kaden Nikolas Haskins 12-17-11
Its been a year already? WOW where did the time go, it feel like yesterday I was on my to the hospital to deliever. Now all of his "first" holidays are memories and His first birthday just flew by! Its bittersweet, and I am excited to see my baby boy grow and learn! His personality is starting to show more and more and its amazing to see all the things changes. Mommy and daddy love you litte man!!

Saturday...........

Vann,
   Wow what a crazy weekend this was. Mommy misses you and wished you could have been here. Saturday morning was Breakfast with santa. I was gonna wear a "tis the season to be pregnant" shirt for our pictures. :( I hated that I couldnt wear it. I hate that you arent here for the holidays. I didnt get but 3 pictures of santa, 2 with Kaden and 1 with Austin, Not even one of them together. :( I feel bad but at least I got the ones I did. Kadens Birthday party was at 2. Aunt Gigi brought balloons, and the cake (which Kaden hated, he was scared of it, LOL) and the drinks and most of the decorations. (thank goodness) The party was really good, everyone had fun and brother got lots of toys and DIAPERS. YAY mommy needed those!
 I thought about you the whole time, wondering what your birthday party would ahve been like. and what your baby shower would have been like.
We got some good pictures and even got to take some more pictures at daddys cousin billys house (Kaden and Billy have the same birthday :D ). They got some more of Kaden with a different cake, he was scared of that one too, but there are some cute ones.
I love you baby boy I will write you a letter tonight about kadens birthday. Its been 2 weeks since you went to be with Jesus and I miss you terribly.
Love, MOMMY

Kaden, Mommy, Daddy